In the book "Getting to Yes with Yourself", the author William Ury suggests 6 steps that will help you avoiding internal and external conflicts and, consequently, cultivate healthier personal and professional relationships.
It's hard to resist and not respond that way. But this kind of reaction is also very degrading and counterproductive.
Want to know how to get a more satisfying life and come to terms with yourself? Continue reading this PocketBook and we will give you a way!
About the book “Getting to Yes with Yourself”
Launched in 2015, “Getting to Yes With Yourself” shows the ideas of William Ury, an conflict negotiation expert, about the step before any difficult conversation: reaching the yes with yourself.
Throughout the 142 pages the author develops six steps that help in the success of any negotiation.
About the author William Ury
William Ury is one of the most renowned trading experts in the world, he was co-founder of the Harvard Negotiation Project. He was also co-author of the bestseller "Getting to Yes" and “Getting Past No”.
Throughout his experience, he advised companies that faced union strikes, corporate disputes and even helped government agents during wars.
To whom is this book indicated?
The steps suggested by the author can help curious readers learn new and effective trading techniques.
As we are always negotiating something with someone, the reading is valid for anyone who wants to build healthier relationships, whether personal or professional.
Main ideas of the book “Getting to Yes with Yourself”
The greatest obstacle to successful agreements and satisfactory relationships is not the other part, but ourselves;
By learning to understand and influence ourselves, we have created a basis for practicing this with others;
We are all in constant negotiation - with ourselves and with others;
Your feelings of dissatisfaction point to your interests and needs;
Negotiations are facilitated when we come to the "inner yes," which is to say yes to yourself, to life and to other people.
In this summary, we will explain what are the 6 steps suggested by the author to improve our self-understanding.
So, are you ready to become a better negotiator? Let’s go!
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Overview: Step 1 - Put yourself in your place
The first part of the book “Getting to Yes with Yourself”, William Ury explains that we are "reaction machines": we make judgments about ourselves, we blame others, we are afraid of shortages, and we become sad when we feel rejected.
However, this type of response to certain situations may end up being counterproductive, causing us to not achieve our goals.
Thinking about it, Ury suggests that we should move from "self-judgment" to "self-knowledge", following three steps:
Instead of reacting immediately, stop and observe your behavior. Recognize what emotion you are feeling at that moment (the author calls this "going to the box");
So, understand what your emotion is trying to tell you. Ask yourself "why am I feeling this way?";
Finally, discover your needs. By analyzing your emotions, it will be easy to find out what you really want.
Overview: Step 2 - Develop Your BATNA within
Developed by William Ury in his book "Getting to Yes with Yourself", BATNA is an acronym for "Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement".
Basically, it is the best strategy to satisfy your interests when an agreement with the other part is not reached. In other words, it is your way of seeking your needs, regardless of the actions of other people.
In the journey through the “yes within", your BATNA is for you to stop blaming yourself and taking responsibility. But what's the difference?
According to the author, to blame is to say "no" to yourself, because you give up your own power. By taking responsibility, on the other hand, you are exercising your power within to solve the situation by saying "yes" to yourself.
This practice is essential to directly attack the roots of the problem, which allows you to turn the negotiation to your advantage.
Overview: Step 3 - Reframe Your Overview
In the third step suggested by William Ury, he talks about the power of reframing. This practice makes use of our ability to produce an alternative interpretation to a given situation.
The main point of this part of the book "Getting to Yes with Yourself" is that you should view your negotiations as opportunities for collaborative solutions, that is, where both sides come out with benefits.
Instead of seeing the other part as an adversary who wants to harm you, treat him as a partner in search of a positive solution for everyone.
Overview: Step 4 - Stay in the Present
It is common to be clinging to the past, especially in striking facts that have had a strong impact on our lives, positive or negative.
However, the author points out that this kind of attitude should be avoided as it can disrupt you getting to yes with yourself, take away our joy from living the present and even be harmful to health.
Rather, what we must do is accept the past, since we can do nothing to change it in any way. Thus, we get rid of persistent resentments and grievances, opening space to focus more on the present.
During a difficult negotiation, focusing on the now is important to avoid misguided reactions and to increase our perception about possible openings and opportunities within the agreement.
In addition, this focus on the present makes our creativity captivated, which can help develop better solutions that are beneficial to everyone involved.
The author also points out that it is essential to trust in the future as this creates the confidence necessary to deal with the challenges presented during the journey.
Overview: Step 5 - Respect Others
During your extensive negotiating experience, William realized that the best concession to make while pursuing an agreement is the demonstration of respect.
It is a cheap practice that bears many fruits. What you should basically do is treat the other part in the way you would like to be treated with respect and dignity.
However, depending on the tone and history of the negotiations, this can be a very difficult concession. If the opponent does not treat us with respect, it is natural to react in the same way.
If we are being rejected, we wish to reject as well. If they attack us, we want to strike back. This generates, according to the author, an eternal cycle of destruction of the two parts, making the negotiation useless and exhausting.
According to William Ury, to put an end to this cycle, it is usually enough that a part stops reacting negatively and changes the tone to a more respectful and friendly attitude. From this, the other party feels respected and reacts positively during the negotiation.
To achieve this, the author suggests three fundamental actions:
Put yourself in the other's situation;
Expand your circle of respect;
Respect even those who reject you.
Overview: Step 6 - Learn to Give and Receive
Finally, the last step suggested by William Ury in his book “Getting to Yes with Yourself” is the adoption of a "win-win-win" approach in which all sides involved in the equation can have some kind of benefit. For example, in a divorce, how to find an agreement that is good for both the couple and the children?
For this, the author suggests changing the attitude of "taking" to "giving", that is, to stop thinking about achieving results only for oneself and to focus on creating value for others as well.
Of course, we do this with the closest people, like family and colleagues. The big challenge here is to have this kind of behavior with unfamiliar people or, even more difficult, with those with whom we are in conflict.
William points out that all previous steps are moving in that direction, that we must be "givers." Therefore, throughout this journey we must root this behavior and take it as the basis for our attitudes.
In doing so, we achieve a certain personal satisfaction and, in addition to arriving at the yes with ourselves, we can reach the yes with others in an easier way, obtaining outside success as well.
In this way, the author explains that a giving and receiving cycle is established that has no end.
What do other authors say about it?
In the book “Selling With Emotional Intelligence”, author Mitch Antony points out that skilled tradesmen are able to find solutions in situations where others only see obstacles. His secret is to look beyond your own desires and needs and see the goals of your partners.
Author Jill Konrath in “Selling to Big Companies” advises: Do your homework to be prepared to deal with common objections. If the consumer is satisfied with the current supplier, use your knowledge about the company to clarify that you are offering something more.
For Mark H. McCormack, author of the book “What They Don’t Teach You at Harvard Business School”, the ideal outcome for a negotiation is a "win-win" situation in which both parties feel satisfied.
Okay, but how can I apply this to my life?
The steps suggested in “Getting to Yes with Yourself”, while seeming simple and common, are challenging. This is because they are applicable in difficult situations, which increases our fear of risking a different approach.
However, gradually these steps become natural and you master this technique. For this, here are some more tips:
In any negotiation, change your approach from antagonistic to cooperative;
Do not be afraid of scarcity - this causes you to have disproportionate reactions;
Always be willing to understand the needs of others;
Consider your life as an ally, always focusing on its positive aspects.
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